Well I cannot tell you how happy I am to see October here. This past month, well ... summer has been a very hard one for me. And September was the tough cherry on the tough cupcake of these past couple of months. I have, as all mothers do, struggled with meeting my family's needs and my own needs at the same time. I find my creativity comes to a halt, when I am stressed and running around a lot. The conundrum is my family needs me and I need to create. The two do not always mesh. Since I have discovered I like to write :-) I am finding myself, expressing what is in my heart through writing more and more. I thought I would share this little piece I wrote about the past few months. I am sure many of you know exactly how I feel but if you are like me, it is nice to know I am not the only mother who struggles!!
Girl Interrupted or How Can One Be on Both Sides of the Road?
I am standing in the middle of a long, winding road. The sun is shining down on me but there is a crisp breeze, that whips my skirt around my legs. On one side of the dirt road is my family, my heart! They are calling me, pulling me to them. They are hurt, in need and are looking to me for help. Which is my job and what I want them to do but on the other side of the road is a girl, who very much looks like me. She is calling to me, needing me, asking me to not forget her. I stand there arms outstretched, leaning, looking to one side of the road, only to look and lean to the other side of the road. I am torn, both sides need me and I need both sides. But how can one be on both sides of the road?
I am the heartbeat of my family and they take their cues from me. In times of trouble, they look to me to sooth their wounds, to make the sun shine on black days, to set the beat of our home. This is my job and one I gladly accept. Except, I need that girl on the other side of the road to do my job. She helps me be me, to find the energy, creativity and grace I need to do my job. So I run to one side of the road helping my family, caring for their wounds, diligently loving them until I am empty. Then I run across the road, to the girl and we sit, resting. We chat about inconsequential things like does my plaid jacket really go with my flora skirt. I braid her hair and she shares her chocolate with me. I am refreshed and run back across to my family, ready to cheer and love them on in their struggles and success. And so it goes, one side of the road, to the other side.
I feel like a girl interrupted! Torn in half! Part of me is on one side of the road and the other part, on the other side. I run back and forth, fourth and back, until I stop in the middle and drop. I cannot keep up this pace. I look to God and ask, "Help me please. Help me be all I need to be for others but myself too!" The breeze gently dies, the sun brightens a bit more and a whisper fills my ear, "Bring them together. Bring them in the middle of the road with you". Together, I think? How? Again that whisper, "One step at a time." I reach my hand out to my family and beckoning them to stand in the middle of the road with me. Then I reach my hand out to the girl on the other side of the road and she steps forward, taking my hand. I am still unsuure how to move forward but we start to stroll down the winding road, one step at a time!